The Dusty Little Dolphin: November 2005

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The purpose: diarrhea literally flying out of your kids.

Friday, November 25, 2005

I'm not saying "Blister Ball" ain't fun, but as far as I'm concerned, it's all down hill after you've played a round of game 3.3 -- resetting the high score as a team.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Spend this Christmas with The Wiggles! Four adult men in sweatshirts caper around a virtually empty apartment, eventually decorating a Christmas tree with a single strand of popcorn! Johnny Wiggles does 150 push-ups to prove to the other boys that he's "no weakling!" Sippy Wiggles sews a live rabbit up in a pillow case to teach kids about cooperation! And what could the grim, unspoken secret of the root cellar be? Only Hector Wiggles knows the answer!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Crisis on Infinite Dolphins

A new word must be selected!

I believe this task falls to Lukecat.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

UGLY WORLD NEWS: Ugly Coldplay's Chris Martin (above left; kilted), acting as proxy for reclusive ugly millionaire EYEBALL 2001, presents oversize charity check to Ugly Hollywood superstar Halle Berry (above right), at public ceremony today in Ugly Beverly Hills.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

"OMG! Who invited Hissing Texture Donkey??? It's like, hello! Do you think Eyeball wants to see Hissing Texture Donkey at this party, after they both made out with Brad at Connor's beach house?"

"What? You didn't know that! OMG, let me give you the deets..."

Monday, November 14, 2005

The new face of Islamic extremism.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Every game of full-contact collander-head soccer ends with somebody doing this. It's not in the rulebook, and, frankly, it's frowned upon by regulatory agencies, but usually the referees "look the other way." Okay, you got me -- it's the referee's eyeball.

Really get off my back

This week's word is:

eyeball

Friday, November 11, 2005

This is funny because because the trees are not being "trimmed" but are using exercise equipment to become "trim" as in "physically fit" (Even though it's incorrect to use the verb form of this particular definition.)

Also, the trees are white supremecists who are planning a hate crime and the old woman has a disease in her butthole. So, you know, it works on a couple of levels.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

In retrospect, it is clear that elder members did not give Lil Deezy's marketing campaign the attention it deserved.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Is it a "good idea" to allow convicted child murderers to teach elementary school students about nutrition? Well, we feel that an important part of criminal rehabilitation is confronting the object of the pathological behavior, so that the patient can work through destructive impulses in a healthy way.

What? Yes, he did make the outfit himself.

Epilogue: Slim Jane's boyfriend died October 13th, 1944 at the Battle of Aachen. Ironically, it was a shell from a German JAD howitzer that took his life.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Say kids! Did you know the first diet was invented by the ancient Egyptians? It's true! Instead of cutting out carbs or counting up points, this great civilization of antiquity used the corpses of their overweight to fortify the structures of their magnificent pyramids...

Well, actually, veiligheid (literally, "falling skin") is the end stage of several contagious skin-sloughing diseases found in equatorial regions of Africa and the Middle East... Hmmm? What's that? Oh, I suppose it does leave you a bit thinner, so the comparison isn't totally, you know, off... but the mortality rate is simply numbing.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord - Ephesians 5:22... So, let me put this rope in your vagina."

"Ghhhhnnngnnnggnnnnnngngn."

"That means 'yes,' right?"

"GhhhnnnanGNNNGgngngngn."

"Okay... I'm doing it."

"Why don't the guys ever invite me skydiving anymore? This unresolved problem is giving me a migraine headache."
MZZZT SKIIIR GTSZZZ!!!!
"Thanks, STV8179F. Let's hang out in this lava some more."

ROUND THE HORN!!!!

This week's word is:

slim

Mission Accompished!

Thus passes The Dusty Little Dolphin: Week One. Accolades all around for a job well done. Friends Win Laurel.

But this brings us to a terrifying crossroads. Who should pick the next word? In the initial post, I said that word selection should proceed alphabetically (in case it wasn't clear, I meant based on the name of the selector). BUT I NEVER SAID FIRST NAME OR LAST NAME!

Proceeding alphabetically from my last name, it's Ted. From my first name it goes "around the horn" so to speak and lands on Deej. My question is: who wants it more?

Also, an addendum to the rules. Whatever word is picked it can't be vetted beforehand for good pictures. The first Google Image Search for the term must be performed after it has been selected. Neat?

Everybody knows this is a joke except Grandpa.

Friday, November 04, 2005

"After the FIES promo, I guess you could say I was pretty well known. No one had really seen that look before; 'Bareback with a Bolo' was the industry buzz for a few weeks. The turning point came during the shoot for Stedsman International. They wanted some close-ups of my shoulders and chest. The photographer got a little too close and realized that it was just a extra-thick white cotton shoelace that I had draped over my neck. That was pretty much the end of it."

What's the only thing sexier than a "sassy dove?" A sassy dove with a filthy house sparrow shoved right up its tight little cloaca.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Most doves can ejaculate their body weight in slimy dove cum. A face full this foul-smelling fluid is a potent defense against even most determined of predators.

For one unlucky cross-country runner, this encounter will mean an early trip to the showers and a nickname that may follow him for the rest of his high school career.

...dude was totally fucked up. Way out of it, like passed out under the fucking couch. So then Ryan gives me that look and is like, "Know what time it is?" and I was like, "Oh...I don't know, could it possibly be White Onyx Ass-and-Balls Sculpture Time!"

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Eyelink Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Eyelink begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug. In the same panic, they forget to take off their giant, retarded-looking wire helmets with this dangly little piece that you're supposed to suck on. And that sweater! My God!

Anyway, the machines kill everyone.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

FOREST RANGER CD-ROM! This non-competitive turn-based strategy game lets you ride with the Boys in Beige! Unprecedented 2D hexa-directional freedom of movement! Seven broad new organism categories to encounter and be encountered by! Have YOU got what it takes to roll with the Rangers?

"Drink up, bitches. Cuz 2nite we goin' deep cover on that incognito tip. Yo, they call me Pewter Wedding Dove because my style has no father. Yeah, here's to the Roc. Here's to Roc-a-fella..."

The Dusty Little Dolphin